When I got sober, I was so worried about what people would say and think about me. I kept wondering how they would react if they offered me a drink and I said no. Would they look at me with pity and shame? Would they treat me differently?
What I didn’t do was think about the fact that I was looking out for myself the first time in my life. I was reconnecting with parts of myself that were long gone and meeting parts I’ve never met.
Even well into sobriety, I was more focused on people’s thoughts of me than what I thought about myself. It took me three years before I opened up about being sober. And even then, it wasn’t natural. I felt so stiff and uneasy speaking about it because shame consumed me.
It wasn’t until I was about six years sober, that I started openly speaking about it. And it took about another two years before I stopped caring if someone was going to be judgmental or have a snide remark.
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If you’re feeling shameful about being sober, you will overcome it. It’s about focusing on the parts of yourself you like, learning to love yourself, becoming the person you want to grow into, and creating meaning in your life.
Is the future you ashamed of their struggles? No. They’re too busy living their life to be bothered by anything and anyone that doesn’t contribute to their joy.
Start living as that person. That version of you only comes when you start being them, not through years and years of being a brooding tortured soul. I’m telling you as someone who did the brooding tortured soul thing- it doesn’t bring you to your future self.
Also, (and I mean this with no disrespect to anyone) everyone, and I mean everyone of us, has at least one addiction. Some of us just happen to have addictions that are stigmatized.
I can also tell you that the ones who judged me for my drinking were the ones who had drinking and/or drug problems themselves. That’s not to place blame on anyone else, but it’s to say that the ones who are quick to criticize are usually (not always) the ones who have the same shadows we do.
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Just in case that didn’t make you feel better, sobriety isn’t who you are. Drinking was a part of your life because of circumstances that felt more powerful than yourself. But being sober isn’t who you are.
It’s the way you make people feel. It’s who you are when no one’s watching. The words you speak, the love you carry in your heart, the unspoken deeds you do for others.
It’s how you show up for yourself– enjoying your own company, even when you feel like you don’t have people you can depend on and rely on. Being self-sufficient enough to be able to regulate your own emotions instead of needing someone to be your voice of reason.
It’s about having your own back, being happy on purpose, fighting for the life you want, standing firmly rooted in your values even when you’re standing alone, making lemonade from life’s lemons, and being focused on your growth.
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I don’t mean the emphasis on ourselves from a place of being self-obsessed. This is about us valuing our own opinions of ourselves more than we care about anyone else’s judgments. Of course, there will always be a part of us that cares what people think. It’s human nature. But, we also shouldn’t repress parts of ourselves for fear of judgment.
If you feel you have to suppress yourself, then it may be time to evaluate why- is it because of the times you’ve shown yourself, people haven’t accepted you, or is it because you don’t accept yourself as you are? Whatever your answer is, know that being honest with yourself is what frees you.
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That’s a really beautiful thing- to meet yourself in ways you haven’t. So, wherever you’re at- messy and emotional, or happy and motivated, meet them with the same care you would give to anyone. Both sides equally deserve your love and attention.
Most importantly, you’re showing up for yourself in ways you’ve never known how to before. You’re meeting parts of yourself you’ve never met. And you’re saying goodbye to parts of yourself you’ve outgrown.
Even if you’re feeling weak, it took courage to make it this far. Be proud of who you are and the person you are despite what life has thrown your way.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
