This post was originally published back in 2019. For whatever reason, I deleted it. I went on a huge deletion spree and this somehow ended up with the rest of the blog posts.
Anyway, I was cleaning up Google docs when I stumbled upon this gem. When I read it, it brought a smile to my face, which is rare because I cringe when I read my own writing. But, it wasn’t really about the writing. It was about my journey and the wars I fought to be able to smile again without trying to mask the pain. So I couldn’t resist- I had to hit publish after a few edits. Hopefully, it gives you the same reaction it gave me.
When you think about loving yourself, what do you think of? Maybe it’s about possessing a confidence unparalleled to any emotion you’ve ever felt. Or it’s about following your heart’s desires with wild abandon. Or maybe it’s about knowing yourself so well that no one can tell you who you are. Maybe it’s even a combination of all of the above or something entirely different.
Whatever your answer is, it’s a process. This isn’t something we can will into existence. It’s about peeling away layers of ourselves while growing into who we want to be. It’s a paradox- in unbecoming ourselves, we become ourselves.
The following steps are through my own trial and error. It started when I got sober. Quitting drinking was the easy part. Loving myself was one of the hardest things I ever had to learn because I was so ashamed of my own existence. There was a time when I would have given anything in the world to be anyone but me.
I also had no one rooting for me or helping me to navigate my way through any of this. So I winged it and made so many mistakes along the way. Somehow, by the grace of the Universe/God, I was aligned with serendipity each step of the way.
There’s 11 steps. 11 signifies divine inspiration, illumination, enlightenment, and visionary power. As a master number in numerology, it is the wounded healer that has the ability to find the encouragement to keep persevering. 11 is also the avant garde, which symbolizes bridging the gap between the conscious and subconscious minds to achieve peace and harmony within ourselves.
1. HAVE FAITH
Faith carries us through the darkest storms, especially when we can’t find our way through. If you don’t know how to have faith in yourself, give it to the Universe/God. Ask them to give you a sign that they’re on your side and won’t let you down. The sign can be whatever you want it to be, like asking them to show you 3 blue butterflies within the next hour.
This is a journey that takes time and patience. And yes, our patience gets tested. Plenty of times. But, that’s what makes this so beautiful. Everything you want is worth the fight and the tears.
Know that you are exactly where you need to be for a reason, even if you can’t see or understand it right now. One day, everything will make sense. For right now, trust that you’re being guided every step of the way and that you will get there one breath at a time. Just keep having faith and enjoy your life as much as you can.
2. DATE YOURSELF
Loving yourself begins with changing the relationship you have with yourself. Relish your oasis of solitude without your phone or social media. Go to the art gallery you’ve been meaning to get to, go to an exhibit at a museum, sit in a coffee shop and people watch, etc. Explore what it feels like to spend time with and have fun with yourself. If you feel uneasy about this one, this is probably the step you need the most. I promise, you’ll look forward to your solo dates the more you continue doing them.
3. PRACTICE GRATITUDE
Gratitude will go such a long way in your self-love journey, even when it feels like you have nothing and no one. It’s difficult to find it when life feels so unfair but those moments are what defines our character. All you need to do is find one thing to be grateful for from your heart, and your entire perspective on life and yourself will change. Make sure to begin and end each day with one heartfelt gratitude to help reprogram your subconscious mind.
4. LEARN TO FORGIVE
We live in a world where pencils come with erasers because we all make mistakes. Sometimes they’re our own and sometimes it’s from the doing of others. When the latter happens, we get our hearts broken.
It’s a fact of life that we’re going to experience pain. But, how and if we recover from a broken heart is what shapes our self-love. If you’re holding onto past resentments, pain, anger, and bitterness, it prevents you from fully loving yourself.
Don’t get me wrong; forgiveness is not synonymous to reconciliation. You’re not allowing anyone that you don’t want back into your life. It simply means you’re no longer allowing those who have inflicted pain on you to occupy valuable real estate in your heart and mind.
Most importantly, forgive yourself for any mistakes you’ve made because you’re just as deserving of forgiveness as anyone else. Virtue is learned through mistakes. And if, somehow you found the strength within yourself to forgive people who intentionally harmed you, you can definitely forgive yourself for your mistakes. Remember this, you do not have to atone for being you.
5. DEVELOP SPIRITUAL PRACTICES
Spiritual practices help us to unearth our own masks and see ourselves- raw, unfiltered. It’s a really beautiful thing, when we pull back parts of ourselves that we created out of self-preservation and meet ourselves for the first time. It’s those little moments of remembrance and recognizing our worth and value that help us to love ourselves.
Anything can be spiritual as long as the intention is there. So if you’re not into meditation or praying, but love to paint, your painting sessions can become a spiritual practice. It’s about connecting with yourself and the unseen forces, building an indestructible bond, and knowing that no matter what happens, they’ll catch you every time you fall. They’ll never let you down so let them in.
6. KNOW THAT YOU ARE POWERFUL
Words are prophetic. So, even if you feel powerless, that in of itself is powerful. If you need a reminder, Hebb’s Law- neurons that fire together, wire together.
You possess the ability to create an entirely different reality based on your thoughts. Let your self-fulfilling prophecies be, “I love myself. I respect myself. I am kind and compassionate with myself. I am living my dream life. I am abundant in all areas of my life.” Be gentle with yourself. Make it a daily ritual to speak your way into a new version of yourself.
7. PAY IT FORWARD
When we help others without overextending ourselves and aren’t giving from a place of lack and scarcity, it helps us to see life from a different lens. If we brighten just one person’s day, we’ve made a difference. There’s a ripple effect that we’ll never know how far and wide it reaches, or even how impactful it is.
All it takes is a smile to a stranger who looks like they could use one, a phone call with a friend who you haven’t spoken to in awhile, or a Secret Santa no matter what time of the year it is. It doesn’t need to be extravagant or lavish.
It’s always the little things that brighten our day- when someone pays us a compliment, when we have a conversation with the cashier at the supermarket, when we see a shooting star. Share the little joys of life with someone for no reason other than wanting someone else to be happy.
8. LEARN WHO YOU ARE
We can’t love ourselves if we’re strangers to ourselves. So take the time to learn who you are. What sets your soul on fire? What makes your eyes sparkle when you speak about something?
If you don’t have the slightest idea, that’s ok. What hobby have you been wanting to pick up? It’s pulling you in for a reason. Song lyrics- what songs do you love? Listen to the lyrics. The words are tugging at your heart strings. A painting or photograph that you’re drawn to but don’t know why- maybe it’s the location or the expression on someone’s face. It’s speaking to your soul.
There’s clues sprinkled in the things we’re drawn to. We just don’t always recognize them because we’re preoccupied with other things. Start paying attention to the synchronicities the Universe/God are showing you. It’s our yellow brick road to self-discovery.
9. EMBRACE YOUR WEAKNESSES
What you think is unattractive about yourself may be the very reason that someone else admires you. Your weaknesses are someone else’s strength. I mean, haven’t you had those moments when you listened to someone who was vulnerable and self-deprecating and you thought to yourself, “I can’t believe they don’t see themselves the way I see them?”
There are people out there who think the same things about you- maybe they just haven’t expressed it to you. Start embracing one thing you think makes you flawed. Just one. When you do, the way you see yourself changes. You stop caring about being perfect. You just want to be real.
10. GO WITHIN
The person you’re going to have the longest relationship with in your life is with yourself. Maybe you’re too scared to look at the internal mirror because of past mistakes or you don’t know where to begin.
Here’s a tip: whether you’re fearful or don’t know how to approach it, start small. Look at the slightly embarrassing things- the time you drunk texted an ex or the time you slipped and fell in front of people.
Sit with the embarrassment- not from a place of shame or guilt. This is with no judgment. Let your emotions come up. Feel them. It’s uncomfortable but we grow in discomfort.
If it gets too unbearable, pull away and revisit the memory when you’re ready. If you’re ok, keep feeling into it. The more you allow these emotions to surface, the less control they have over you until they don’t stir up any emotions.
This takes practice but you’ll get there. When you’re used to the less embarrassing memories, go deeper. Take your time with this. And be gentle with yourself.
11. FIND YOUR PURPOSE
If we don’t have purpose, we’ll always be looking for something to fill a void within ourselves. And when we do that, there’s a hollowness that prevents us from really loving ourselves. Finding your purpose is your reason for existence.
Don’t be intimidated by this- your purpose could simply be to exist just as you are. In a world where people put filters on everything, you would be the breath of fresh air we all need. You’ll find what your purpose is the deeper you find what fulfills you.
If you still don’t have the slightest clue what your purpose is, I personally believe that we’re all here to serve others while harnessing our individual talents and skills. This again boils down to existing as we are. It doesn’t need to be complicated. It’s about letting your inner fire burn with eternal passion. When you figure out what you’re here to do and live your purpose, there will be nothing standing between you and self-love.
Hopefully, you found something in here to take with you in this journey of what we call life. And this is probably the most important thing in all of the steps- you’re doing the absolute best you can which is so much better than being perfect. You got this.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
