How I Created More Trauma When I Got Sober And What I Did To Fix It

When a date with fate got me sober, I had no one rooting for me. I didn’t even go to AA meetings. 

So without any support, I relied on the unseen forces to carry me throughout this journey of what we call life. But I didn’t always listen and went about sobriety in a really haphazard fashion. 

In this unfolding, I wound up creating trauma that I eventually had to heal from. The following is how unresolved trauma created more of it and what I did to work through my own limitations. 

IGNORED MY TRUTH

I allowed others to tell the story they wanted me to live, even if they didn’t know the intimate details about my life or anything about me for that matter. So I repressed the toxic life experiences- the childhood trauma, the sexual assaults, the mental illnesses, the deceits and betrayals, the abusive relationships. 

The pain I felt, it was too raw to speak about and too overwhelming to feel. It was easier for me to live life in the lens of everyone else instead of my own. Until it wasn’t. 

BECAME MORE SELF-SACRIFICING 

I was so ashamed of my own existence for as long as I can remember. Getting sober enhanced it. It took years before I became proud of my sobriety. 

So, in some twisted logic, I thought if I became more self-sacrificing, that would minimize the shame. Because somehow, it meant I was atoning for being me. I know- it makes no sense now, but back then, it did. 

GASLIT MYSELF WITH TOXIC POSITIVITY 

I made so many excuses for other people’s behaviors that I wound up blaming myself for their actions. If I were nicer, calmer, more patient, they wouldn’t have defiled me. 

I would then comfort myself with platitudes- the sun will rise tomorrow, that which doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger, it could have been worse. In reality, I was exacerbating the trauma bonds while creating more trauma for myself. 

HOW I CHANGED THOSE BEHAVIORS

The following takes time and it can feel so isolating. But I promise you, when you start living for yourself, your entire life changes. You can and you will have your glow up.

STOPPED ATONING

When we get sober, we’re consumed with so much guilt and shame, that we feel this unrelenting need to atone for everything we’ve ever done wrong. Yes, we need to right our wrongs. But if we’re in toxic relationships, all we’re doing is throwing ourselves into the slaughterhouse. 

Here’s the thing- there will always be people that will make us the villain in their story. But it doesn’t mean we need to be the villain in our story. You cannot keep apologizing for the rest of your life for past mistakes or even for who you are. 

TOOK CHANCES ON MYSELF 

It was so easy to play it small when the company I kept expected that of me. I didn’t have to strive for anything because no one encouraged me to do better, not even myself. 

But at some point, we have to stop settling for mediocrity and start showing up for ourselves. We have to have boundaries and expectations, including with ourselves. We need to come to the realization that we are worth our own investment. 

If you’re emotionally fragile right now, think about it this way- the ones who tried to bring you down, they saw your worth. That’s why they tried so hard to make you fall. See your worth. Believe it. Know it with every fiber of your being that you are high value. 

WENT WITHIN

When we don’t know who we are, others will define our character, worth, and values. The only way we can ever stop that cycle from repeating itself is to develop self-awareness. 

When you become so comfortable in your own skin and know who you are, no one can ever diminish you. One- you won’t allow it. Two- it won’t matter because you know you have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone. 

I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.