This is just a fragment of my story. Don’t want to bore you so I’ll be keeping it short and releasing more as time passes.
When I was a kid, I would be glued to the TV every time Mommy Dearest was on. It brought me so much comfort and solace to know I wasn’t the only one going through that.
I knew I was growing up in a toxic and dysfunctional home. But I never understood the repercussions, how deeply that would impact me and shape my own view of the world.
RELATED: LIVING FOR YOURSELF AFTER TRAUMA WHEN YOU’RE SOBER
My biological father was a physically abusive alcoholic. I was four years old the last time I saw him. He was getting arrested because my mom called the cops on him for being drunk.
As for my stepfather- he worshiped the ground my mother walked on, so didn’t just enable the abuse. He participated in the debauchery.
The times I tried to speak out would lead to gaslighting, blame shifting, diminishing or flat out dismissing the trauma.
So I lived in the shadows, hoping to be invisible. Because if no one saw or heard me, then nothing could harm me.
A 21 day DIY sobriety program to awaken your inner guru so you can transform pain into power and purpose.
When I turned 22, things changed. I started drinking more. Instead of having an occasional glass of red wine with dinner or sake with sushi, I started drinking during happy hour, and needed night caps before going to sleep.
I knew the drinking was escalating to the point of it being problematic, but I was functional. (Until I wasn’t). Besides, drinking helped me to feel everything and nothing.
I was able to validate my experiences when I was drunk because in those moments, it was safe for me to get angry and cry. Showing those emotions when I was sober was forbidden.
The drinking also helped me to numb the effects of the abuse. It turned off the past dialogue- “Your father left because he didn’t love you. I should have had an abortion.”
RELATED: HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU CAN’T DRINK AGAIN
It gave me liberation from myself. I felt safe when I drank.
When I was sober, I was plagued with emotional and physical flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety, and suicide ideation.
I even attempted suicide, hoping death would be the answer. Because it meant I didn’t have to suffer through the pain of living.
And I wasn’t even ashamed for attempting suicide. I was ashamed because I was still living.
So I carried on like a dead woman walking- wondering why I kept gravitating towards guys like my parents, how people can attempt to intentionally destroy you without any remorse.
Most of all, I kept blaming myself for everything that happened. That spiraled deeper into shame which led to drinking myself into oblivion.
There was a tiny, conscious part of me that knew there was a purpose to all of this. I mean, there had to be.
But I couldn’t see it. The pain blinded any clarity from shining through. The trauma was too real.
A 21 day DIY sobriety program to awaken your inner guru so you can transform pain into power and purpose.
Then a date with fate on 9/5/16 was my moment of surrender. I waved the white flag to the Universe and myself.
With nothing and no one, not even AA, I got sober. But I knew I was being guided every step of the way by the unseen forces.
In my haphazard and not too graceful way of navigating sobriety, I found a method that works for me. Now, I’m here to help you rewrite your story one breath at a time.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
