I used to be so scared of making the wrong decision that I would leave it up to the Universe/God to decide for me. And I would justify it by saying I wanted to lean into trust and have faith.
So, if I “surrendered,” I was safe. But it was an illusion. Because there’s no safety or security in lies. There’s only temporary comfort.
RELATED: WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU WANT TO HAVE WITH YOURSELF IN SOBRIETY?
When I stripped away the masks, I was confronted with brutally painful truths. I learned how to love the lies instead of preferring to hate the truth.
I also didn’t always know what I wanted and didn’t trust myself enough to take the time to learn what would make me happy. So I relied on external influences to do it for me- follow the plan society says is the fail proof way to succeed and anything short of what the masses are conforming to means I’ve failed.
No matter how hard I tried to make it work,
there was an ache in my heart. It was something I couldn’t label, but that hollowness also couldn’t be ignored.
RELATED: WHAT ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS IN SOBRIETY?
That’s happened to so many of us. Maybe it wasn’t along the lines of living someone else’s dream instead of your own, but we became versions of ourselves we didn’t recognize, bystanders in our own life. We couldn’t help but wonder where we went wrong. So we obsessively reflected on our lives, dissecting every situation, trying to pinpoint that one experience that changed our destiny. All in the hopes that maybe we could go back in time to do it differently.
Maybe there was that one life defining moment. Maybe it was a culmination of things that shaped us into who we became to adapt. Whatever it was, we can’t rewrite history. We’ve tried so many times. It hasn’t healed us. It’s only made us suffer and wallow in the what ifs.
But we can do it differently…by rewriting our future. Start doing things differently. Think differently. React differently. Speak differently. Change your habits and patterns. Collect memories you cherish.
RELATED: FOR THE TIMES YOU NEED SOME QUICK INSPIRATION IN YOUR SOBRIETY JOURNEY
When you get caught up in your thoughts and start worrying about how everything can go wrong, change it. Start fantasizing about how everything can be better than you even imagined. Dare to imagine better for yourself.
When someone pushes your buttons, take a step back. Because there’s a really high probability that they know exactly what gets under your skin. So don’t give them the reaction they want. Give them the reaction that would make you proud.
When you realize that you’re going off on yourself for something you did wrong, stop engaging. You can’t berate yourself into self-love. You need to be gentle with yourself. Speak to yourself with respect and dignity.
RELATED: HOW TO PREPARE FOR YOUR COMEBACK SEASON IN SOBRIETY
It’s a process of unbecoming yourself to become yourself. In this unraveling of everything you don’t want to be, you shift who you are. And it’s nothing like you’ve ever thought yourself to be, but everything you’ve ever hoped you could be.
Do things the way you want to do them, not the way you’re told to do it. It may not make sense to anyone else, but it doesn’t have to.
Maybe the most logical thing is listening to the whispers of your soul and following the rhythms of your heart’s desires. Because everything you once thought to be logical turned out to be anything but.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
