Growing up, my parents acted like everyone was obsessed with them and their relationship. It was one of those things they constantly talked about- the never ending compliments their hairdresser paid them, the way their usual waiter fawned over them, how salespeople in the stores they frequented would drop what they were doing to help them.
I don’t even think that they realized these people’s salaries were dependent on good service. That’s not to say those people were only nice because of that, but my parents were that self-obsessed.
They were also the type of people that would pay me a compliment laced with an insult. So, I always thought looking at the good within myself meant I was like my parents. And, that was the absolute last thing I wanted to be.
I disregarded my strengths for most of my life and only focused on what was wrong with me and everything I didn’t like about myself. It felt so uneasy when I started to speak nicely to myself, like somehow, it meant I was betraying myself by being the very thing I said I wouldn’t be.
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The thing is- part of owning our story is seeing the good within ourselves. And part of healing is acknowledging our strengths.
In some ways, it’s harder to see the good within ourselves than it is to confront the shame, because that means we witness our own capabilities.
Seeing that potential means we need to walk away from the things that don’t help us to become the people we know we can be, some of which we aren’t ready to part with. It’s a grieving process that we need to allow to run its course. But, we can mourn what once was while building something greater for ourselves.
Start focusing on the good within yourself. It’s going to be awkward. It’s deeply uncomfortable. And it definitely doesn’t feel sincere to be kind to yourself when all you know is “tough love” towards yourself.
This isn’t about paying yourself a compliment or telling yourself you love yourself. It’s about respecting yourself enough to be gentle with yourself in the moments you need compassion.
And, yes- it can be tricky navigating between compassion and self-sabotage, because are you telling yourself that binge watching your favorite show with ice cream and popcorn is self-care every weekend when you also keep telling yourself you’re going to exercise more and watch what you put in your body? I used to do it too, plenty of times. But we learn as we go along.
This is one of those things that takes practice. The more you do this, the more self-awareness you develop.
I have to make it clear that we aren’t faking it until we make it. We’re repeating it until the discomfort dissipates, leading us to create a new truth. Eventually, it becomes more uncomfortable to berate yourself than it does to be kind to yourself.
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This also isn’t about disregarding our negative emotions and the feelings of inadequacy we’re confronted with. We have to face them head on, but we also have to refuse to allow them to determine our reality.
You need to treat yourself like how you want to be treated, not how you’ve been conditioned to treat yourself. It’s a process of unbecoming everything you think you are so you can become everything you’ve ever hoped you could be.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
