Recently, I had this epiphany- we can’t be scared of rejection if we don’t reject ourselves. I’m not talking about rejection in the sense of the fear that surfaces when you’re wondering if you got approved for your dream home or if you nailed a job interview.
This is about the type of rejection that paralyzes us- the overwhelming desire to be liked and accepted from people who don’t even ask how we’re doing, or automatically blaming ourselves for not being good enough when something doesn’t work out for us.
Anyway, I tried really hard to disprove it. Because it’s an uncomfortable truth. I also couldn’t find one fallacy in that when I reflected on past experiences.
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The people I admired and respected most, were the ones I feared rejection from. They also happened to be the ones who made me feel like I had to mold myself into how they wanted me to be. At least, that’s the way I felt. And when I fell short of their fantastical version of me, I berated and admonished myself for not being better.
Sometimes I look back on that version of me in embarrassment because of how much I betrayed myself just to be momentarily accepted by other people. Things changed when I lost respect for them.
I didn’t care about being rejected by them anymore. And because I didn’t care about their rejection, I started accepting myself in ways I hadn’t prior to walking away from them.
I began seeing myself how I wanted to see myself, not through the lens of how anyone wanted me to be. There’s a liberation with that, the kind that can only come when you value yourself more than anyone’s opinion of you. It’s almost like you can feel the weight melt off your shoulders.
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Of course, our self-rejection wasn’t self-indoctrainated. It was learned through our environment. None of us woke up one day and decided life would be better if we didn’t like ourselves. No.
It was a culmination of words and experiences that led to us walking out on ourselves. We were constantly and consistently told that conforming to the status quo is what’s expected of us and anything short of that isn’t acceptable. Or something along those lines.
Does that mean when we don’t like someone or their characteristics, we’re rejecting parts of ourselves? Maybe. Maybe not.
Say, if someone’s constantly inflating their own ego- it could be that we think we’re self-absorbed. Or it could mean that we find it annoying because we could learn to hype ourselves up a bit more.
There’s always duality. You know your situation and how this applies to you better than anyone. Look at the context, because the why behind what you feel is really important. I’ll elaborate on this.
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Let’s go back to feeling self-absorbed.
If that’s the case, reflect on why you feel the way you do. Feeling self-absorbed because of people who don’t like when you say no is really different than feeling self-absorbed because you only focus on your wants and needs while disregarding everyone else’s.
It’s the same feeling with a polarizing context. So, reflecting on why is going to help you learn about yourself on a deeper level.
From there, you can begin releasing your attachments to the ways you reject yourself. You can also look at the questions below to help you out.
Prompts:
- What part(s) of yourself are you ashamed of?
- When you look back on the past, is it with reverence, or do you focus on your not so finest moments?
- *What do you love most about yourself?
- What do you think is unlovable about yourself?
- If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
*It’s hard to see the good in ourselves, especially if we were indoctrinated to be ashamed of our own existence. You can’t help but feel that it’s ridiculously self-obsessed.
Let’s flip the script- seeing your strengths means you’re taking accountability for who you are. Accountability isn’t about self-blame. It’s about having the self-awareness to see all of you, light and dark.
Just keep nurturing the parts of yourself you don’t find lovable and one day, you’ll recognize your own worth.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
