With each passing year, I open my heart more to myself. And with that, I’m able to heal through the shame and self-disgust. Now that I’m more comfortable in my own skin and having recently reached another milestone in sobriety (8 years yesterday), I want to share with you what got me through the darkest days.
There were times in my journey I wanted to give up. Give up on myself, give up on life. I was so ashamed of living and the pain of being alive- it’s not something that can really be articulated. All I can say is it consumes you.
I was the scapegoat in a narcissistic home and when I got older, gravitated towards guys that were similar to my parents. More specifically, my mother. I also took a deep dive into the inferno of self-destruction.
Through therapy, trying to talk to people, and AA meetings, I couldn’t seem to find something that resonated. But not just resonated- you know when you hear something that you feel viscerally?
Something that stirs your soul and you just know with all of your heart that what you heard is meant for you. I never had that. And a part of me felt like I had never fully lived life because how can you, when you don’t feel with all of yourself?
I think that was also because I didn’t know how to be vulnerable. I was taught at a young age that showing any emotion other than happiness wasn’t ladylike. So I either compartmentalized or suppressed my emotions and the trauma.
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It took a long time for me to realize the reason why things didn’t resonate with me the way I was hoping for them to. But until I could get “those feelings,” I needed something to hold on to.
I needed to live for something. Back then, I was struggling with suicide ideation so living for myself was a foreign concept. So I did the next best thing- I held onto blind faith.
When I was 11, I had an intuitive insight. I had a feeling and heard that at 42, I would enter my golden era. When I was 18, I had a vision. It confirmed what I felt and heard seven years earlier.
Throughout the suicide ideation, gang stalking, flying monkeys, being a scapegoat, abusive relationships, drowning my sorrows in alcohol, whenever things got rough- I came back to those visions. I could feel the happiness. I saw the smile on my face. And I would hold on to it for as long as my mind would allow.
The visions weren’t much. I mean, these were fragments of my life shown to me in a split second. But they were enough for me to keep holding on.
I won’t be 42 for another few months so I can’t yet confirm those intuitive glimpses. But I also know what I felt, saw, and heard will manifest into fruition. Because, well, I have faith. And I couldn’t imagine a life without it.
IF YOU’RE STRUGGLING…
If you’re currently struggling, find something to hold onto. If you haven’t received visions, we’re going to help you get a feeling or an image.
TRY THIS:
Close your eyes.
How do you want to feel?
What do you want your life to look like?
What are you wearing?
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
Who are you with?
Even if you don’t get an image, you will get a feeling. That feeling is just as powerful if not more than seeing something in your mind’s eye so don’t discount it.
Hold on to it. Keep it in your heart. And come back to it every time things get tough. You’ll be surprised that all you need is a glimmer of hope.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous of.
