How I Created More Trauma When I Got Sober And How I Healed It

When I got sober, I had no one rooting for me. So without any support, I relied on the unseen forces to carry me (and still do). But I didn’t always listen and went about sobriety in, well, I can’t say it was graceful.

In this unfolding, I wound up creating trauma that I eventually had to heal from. The following is how unresolved trauma created more of it and what I did to work through my own limitations.

IGNORED MY TRUTH

I allowed others to tell the story they wanted me to live- from the people who didn’t want the truth getting out and from people who didn’t know the intimate details about my life or anything about me for that matter. So I repressed the childhood trauma, the lies, the betrayals, the abusive relationships.

When they rewrote the stories to fit their narrative, a part of me felt relieved because it meant I didn’t have to sit with the pain. I thought if I didn’t confront it, it would eventually go away. What I didn’t realize is that the pain burns a slow burn until it’s you that’s on fire.

BECAME MORE SELF-SACRIFICING

I was so ashamed of my own existence for as long as I can remember and getting sober exacerbated it. It was years before I became comfortable with the idea of being sober.

So, in some twisted logic, I thought if I became more self-sacrificing, that would minimize the shame. Because in a weird way, that meant I was atoning for being me. I know- it makes no sense now, but back then, it did.

GASLIT MYSELF WITH TOXIC POSITIVITY

I made so many excuses for other people’s behaviors that I wound up blaming myself for their actions. If I were nicer, calmer, more patient, they wouldn’t have defiled me.

I would then comfort myself with platitudes- the sun will rise tomorrow, that which doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger, it could have been worse. In reality, I was reinforcing the trauma bonds while creating more trauma for myself.

How I changed those behaviors

How I healed the trauma took time, patience, and feeling the things I didn’t want to feel. I had to get honest with myself in a way I had never done before, and didn’t know how. But it was also worth it. I broke it down into three steps to keep it simple for whenever you’re ready to become the elevated, healed version of yourself.

STOPPED ATONING

When we get sober, we’re consumed with so much guilt and shame, that we feel this unrelenting need to atone for everything we’ve ever done wrong. Yes, we need to right our wrongs. But if we’re in toxic relationships, all we’re doing is throwing ourselves into the slaughterhouse.

There will always be people that will make us the villain in their story. But it doesn’t mean we need to be the villain in our story. You cannot keep apologizing for the rest of your life for past mistakes or even for who you are. And no one should expect that of you either.

TOOK CHANCES ON MYSELF

It was so easy to play it small when the company I kept expected that of me. I didn’t have to strive for anything because no one encouraged me to do better, not even myself.

But at some point, we have to stop settling for mediocrity and start showing up for ourselves. We have to have boundaries and expectations, especially with ourselves. Take chances on yourself. Pursue your dreams. Don’t wait for one day because one day is today.

WENT WITHIN

When we don’t know who we are, others will define our character, worth, and values. The only way we can ever stop that cycle from repeating itself is to develop self-awareness.

When you become so comfortable in your own skin and know who you are, no one can try to fit you into the mold of who they want you to be. One- you won’t allow it. Two- it won’t matter because you know you have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone.

Take the time to travel your mind and explore your psyche. If there are parts of yourself you don’t like, that’s ok. You can always change it. This is your story so you get to write it and rewrite it any way you want.

I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.