The first time I got sober, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I was so young and didn’t know anything about life, let alone how to articulate the emotions I was feeling.
What I did know was that I felt shame above all else. Shame for people knowing about my struggles with substance abuse, shame for not having my life together, shame for my own existence.
I began going to outpatient rehab and the same phrase was on repeat- “A meeting a day for 90 days.” So I decided to give it a try. I went to at least one meeting a day and met some really great people in the rooms. About 3 months in, during a moment of weakness, I broke down in tears in front of about 50 people.
This was the hyperventilating, snot dripping out of your nose tears. I said I didn’t know how to stay sober because I was so new to this.
When I was done, a woman screamed at me in front of the entire meeting. I don’t remember her full diatribe, but I will never forget this part- “To the newbie who doesn’t want to be here, why don’t you just go out and drink?”
Dead silence. Not one person stood up for me. All I needed was one person to be my beacon of hope. But no one chimed in.
You never feel more alone than when you feel lonely around the people you’re with. You can’t help but wonder why there is something so fundamentally wrong with you that you’re not worth the fight. So you resign to it until it becomes you.
A 21 day DIY sobriety program to awaken your inner guru so you can transform pain into power and purpose.
After the meeting, I had people privately telling me this woman is rough around the edges and I shouldn’t take her projections personally. Here’s the thing- when any of us are attacked, our boundaries and sovereignty are violated. You can’t help but take it personally. And if potentially jeopardizing someone’s sobriety isn’t personal or harmful, then I don’t know what is.
It wasn’t something I needed to hear when no one was around. It was something I needed to hear when it mattered. I probably would have felt more comfortable had people not said anything to me after because them approaching me meant they knew it was wrong, which only reinforced my insecurity of not being worth sticking up for.
Anyway, I also called my sponsor but got her voice-mail so I left her a message. 3 days later, she called me back. By that time, I had already mentally checked out.
I still went to the same meeting for a week because it was what I “should” do. In the end, it was too uncomfortable being around people who I felt didn’t care if I became another statistic. So I left AA altogether shortly after, vowing to myself that I would never go back to another meeting.
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About two months after leaving AA, I relapsed. It was a slow progression- the kind where you convince yourself that if you just keep it to an acceptable amount, it’ll be ok. It never is, though. It took another six years before I got sober for good.
On 9/5/16, I had a date with fate and got sober on my own. No detox, rehab, AA, therapy, friends, or family. Just the Universe guiding me in this journey of what we call life. And no- I still had no idea what I was doing. I was just as clueless as the first time around, but things were different. I was different.
There was an inner knowing that was so powerful that no amount of doubt could cloud your judgment. I knew with every fiber of my being that I was going to be ok and it didn’t matter that I didn’t have all the answers. With that, came a peace that I had never felt in my life before.
A 21 day DIY sobriety program to awaken your inner guru so you can transform pain into power and purpose.
Now I’m here to help you rewrite your story one breath at a time. Through holistic recovery coaching and energy healing, you learn how to be your own guru and awaken a visceral desire for sobriety so it’s no longer an obligation.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
