“I shouldn’t be so nice and kind-” I’ve heard this sentiment so many times throughout the years. I’ve also never agreed with it to an extent.
I believe in distance when someone is toxic, especially the ones who are impossible to even have a basic conversation with. It gets to a point that you know being around someone who exploits your kindness is doing you so much harm that staying is no longer an option.
I also believe that the Universe/God doesn’t make any mistakes and they gave us our hearts. We were also given discernment and intuition. What we do with what we were given is our free will. This is not to place blame on ourselves, it’s about learning to trust ourselves.
I get it- when we get betrayed, we shutdown. Sometimes we need to close off our hearts to the world so we can open our hearts to ourselves. What I don’t agree with is treating everyone we encounter as a reflection of the people who have hurt us.
So, here’s some tips that I picked up along the way, and hopefully it’ll help you if you’re struggling with betrayal, forgiveness, and the chaos surrounding toxic relationships.
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FOCUS ON YOUR INTUITION
How many times has your intuition warned you about someone and you dismissed it? Maybe you thought you were being too judgmental or paranoid so there was no point in paying attention. You were later proven that you should have listened.
It’s happened to me a bunch of times too. I used to think if I could just go back in time, I would have listened. It would have saved me so much heartbreak and pain. But there were also reasons I didn’t listen- I wanted to be liked, I didn’t trust myself, I didn’t understand that our inner compass is looking out for us.
We all have our reasons for why we defy our inner compass. We’ve changed. Now, it’s about finding reasons why we should listen- our intuition has never steered us in the wrong direction, it’s guiding us to our destiny with our best interest, and it helps us to build a deeper connection with ourselves and the Divine.
You may have different reasons and that’s ok. But look for reasons why you should listen instead of ignoring that inner voice. Remember, this is a tool that takes practice. So the more you hone in on it, the “louder” that inner voice is.
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REMAINING TRUE TO OURSELVES
Aside from listening to our intuition, we also want to remain true to who we are, not who we were before someone left indelible marks on us.
That old version of us lived life wearing rose tinted glasses. We saw the potential in others when there probably wasn’t enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
We saw the best when they consistently showed us that we were settling.
This is about our hearts- being kind and gentle. We’ve hardened around the edges, life does that to us. But we can still be soft to ourselves and the people who cross our paths. We just need to listen to that inner voice and know that those silent screams you get around certain people shouldn’t be ignored.
It’s not about stooping to someone else’s level either. And no, I’m not going to sit here and claim how easy it is because I have been unkind to people when my unhealed wounds were dictating how I lived. It’s about remembering who you are and showing up as that version of you.
The following is divided into 3 different stages of healing. So wherever you’re at, that’s the stage you want to focus on. We can also vacillate between different stages. Healing isn’t linear. So honor whatever stage you’re at.
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1st STAGE
We’ve all had some kind of fallout and when we’re fresh out of it, we think, “I’m going to win.” Let’s say you’re at that stage. If you change who you are because of someone’s lack of integrity, they won. They wanted you to change. That’s why they defiled you. And becoming someone you aren’t proves them right to everyone they spoke to behind your back about what a horrible person you are. So, if you need to remain true to yourself out of spite until you’re able to do it for yourself, then so be it.
2nd STAGE
Let’s say you’re at the next stage in your healing journey- the part where you’re starting to focus on yourself but thoughts of whoever betrayed you play heavily in your mind. Being nice and kind, ESPECIALLY to yourself, is going to accelerate your healing. I don’t believe that the Divine gives us tests. I do believe that each experience is an opportunity for us to evolve beyond our limitations. It’s not about being perfect because we all get flustered and irritated. We just have to learn to walk away from people who are determined to bring out the worst in us while giving ourselves compassion for not knowing better.
3rd STAGE
Let’s say you’re at the very next stage when the emphasis is on your healing and becoming an upgraded version of yourself. There’s still some residual debris- the kind where you know what to do but you sometimes struggle with doing it because the thoughts of betrayal and anger have become a habit. So, you just need a reminder or two to bring you back to center.
Ask yourself:
How do you want to grow and evolve from this?
Who do you want to show up as?
How do you want to be remembered?
How do you want people to feel when they’re around you?
Wherever you’re at in your journey, stay true to yourself. Let kindness be your driving force.
I’ll see you next soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
