I can’t help but feel uneasy when I hear, “The Universe is testing you right now to see if you’re ready for what you want.” But, that also didn’t stop me from trying to pass the tests.
There was a part of me that needed to prove myself worthy. Worthy of my own existence, worthy of happiness, and worthy of the things I silently wished for hoping the Universe could hear my thoughts.
Then, it occurred to me- that mindset keeps us stuck in a state of hypervigilance. We end up always second guessing ourselves and seeking external validation, but never giving it to ourselves.
Things not working out isn’t because we failed a test, it’s because it’s no longer in alignment with us.
This isn’t a reflection of our defects. It’s a reflection of our worth.
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To say we’re being tested strips us of our free will. It also instills in us that we always have to be perfect pacifists, and anything short of that means we aren’t good enough.
We end up defying our hearts desires for different reasons we give ourselves- “If it was meant to be, it would have happened by now. If I were a better person, I wouldn’t have all these obstacles. If I didn’t say that one thing that one time or did that one thing that one time, I wouldn’t be punished right now.”
We also inevitably fail the test we imposed upon ourselves, thinking we were supposed to serve a higher power to earn our place in our own lives.
And so, we keep repeating these tests, stuck in a cycle of repentance and atonement, becoming bystanders in our own lives.
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Our dreams and wishes remain a figment of our imagination while we hope and pray we’re good enough for the life we daydream about. We delay our own happiness for sometime in the future after we’ve deemed ourselves worthy. The unhealed wounds remain unhealed because we engage in the mindset that we have to be grateful we don’t have it worse.
Our lives become a conditioned metric of worth. And that worth is defined by our passivity, our positivity, and our gratitude. But it isn’t measured by our righteous anger, our want of justice, or even our need to walk away from the people that harm us.
So, we end up telling ourselves we’re living our lives the wrong way, we’re subscribing to spiritual beliefs the wrong way, and that we aren’t adequate enough for our own love. And we push ourselves harder to forgive more, to be more positive, to be more enlightened- but we don’t tell ourselves it’s ok to be who we are and to feel what we feel.
It’s ok to be who you are and it’s ok to feel what you feel. Allow yourself that moment with yourself.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
