It isn’t easy walking away from the people you love, especially when you can’t help but wonder if you could or should be doing more to salvage what you know deep down is irreparable. And in the event you tell anyone about your decision, they all of a sudden decide they know everything about your relationship and attempt to rewrite a history they were never even a part of.
It leaves you second guessing everything- including your memory of events and asking yourself if maybe you sensationalized the toxicity. No. Don’t do that to yourself anymore. You know what you lived through and the pain you felt every time you chose someone else over yourself.
You also know that this decision to walk away didn’t come easily for you. If it did, you would have walked away at the first sign of disrespect. You wouldn’t have hung around for years, waiting for things to get better, hoping one day they would finally acknowledge your worth.
There comes a point when you have to stop lowering your standards because people are incapable of raising theirs.
This is that time. That’s why you need to not just walk away, but stay away so you don’t fall back into the same cycle. Try these tips to make sure you never go back to what could have been so you can create what can be.
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STAY SILENT
You’ve already tried to communicate your worth, proved your value, begged and pleaded to be loved. Nothing worked. So walk away with a semblance of dignity, even if you feel you don’t have any left. Don’t even bother explaining anything.
If you’re thinking, “they always use silent treatment so won’t I be like them?” No. Because the difference is they use the silent treatment as a form of psychological warfare. Your silence is when there’s nothing left worth fighting for.
That’s a really big difference. You’re not doing it to exploit their insecurities or to create more wounds. You’re doing it because nothing good comes out of attempting to have a conversation about the way they treat you.
Whatever you say or do, it will fall upon deaf ears. Let your silence do the speaking. It’s hurtful, especially when you feel like there are so many unspoken words, but silence says much more than any words will ever say.
Besides, if you engage, you look exactly like the person they keep claiming you are. And it isn’t a testament to your character, but to them and everyone who listens to them, it is. So, don’t give them that. Instead, give yourself the self-respect of being silent.
STAND FIRM
You’ll overthink and second guess your decision- maybe you were too rude, too abrupt, too unforgiving, etc. But how many times have you sacrificed your dignity, your values, and maybe even your morals for the sake of keeping the peace?
Leave the trash where it belongs. The same way you wouldn’t take something out of the trash, don’t go back for more debauchery.
If you need a reminder- the really toxic people will make you “pay” for “betraying” them if you go back. So, if you think this time around was bad, it’s only going to get worse the more times you go back.
You won’t always have confidence and that’s ok. But what’s more important than confidence when you need to cut off toxic people is that you stand behind your decision. Especially when you’re feeling insecure and wondering if maybe things weren’t as bad as they were.
If you take a stroll down memory lane with objectivity, you’ll realize just how much you overlooked. So, don’t doubt if walking away was the right thing.
BE OK WITH BEING THE VILLIAN
You’re going to be the villain whether you stay in the relationship or not.
So you might as well be happy and have your sanity. And if there are people who chose to believe someone else over you, let it be. I know it hurts. A lot. And there may be a part of you that hopes maybe you can reason with them and they’ll see your side. The thing is, their mind has already been made up about who you are. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have listened to the lies.
Those are also not the type of people you want in your corner. So, look at it as a blessing instead of a loss. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but one day, you’re going to thank the Universe/God for showing you who those people are.
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CHOOSE YOURSELF
THIS. IS. IT. You don’t even need the other tips on this list. Because at the end of the day, it boils down to you- what you want out of life and the things you want to achieve.
- How do you want to feel?
- What type of people do you want to surround yourself with?
- What type of lifestyle do you want to live?
- When you close your eyes and imagine the happiest version of yourself, what do you see?
- What do you want to invest your time and energy in?
Are any of the people you’re trying to walk away from, contributing to the things you want? No. If anything, they’re preventing you from recognizing your own potential. And the sad reality is that they probably see your potential but don’t want you to see it, which is why they treat you the way they do.
Emotionally healthy people don’t subvert your reality. They also don’t try to mold you into who they think you should be. Keep that in mind and choose your sanity above all else.
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FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS
We’ve been conditioned to dismiss or ignore our emotions, especially when we find ourselves on the verge of a breakdown. We end up saying things like, “they’re not worth my tears.”
They absolutely are worth your tears. What they aren’t worth is the suffering if you don’t cry those tears.
Feel it all- the anger, the rage, the disappointment, the pain, the heartbreak. Otherwise, there will always be a part of you that harbors something keeping you psychologically and emotionally stuck in the relationship.
There are no bad or unhealthy emotions. It’s the way we express them that can make them toxic.
REMAIN KIND
Getting cynical and jaded comes with the healing process. It also distorts our reality and leads us to evaluate how we should be showing up- maybe we shouldn’t be as nice and kind. But this isn’t about how we’re showing up in the world, especially with people who never hurt us.
This is about listening to our intuition. Your inner compass will steer you towards the right people and warn you about the ones you aren’t in alignment with. The signs were always there and that doesn’t mean you should blame yourself because you shouldn’t. But now you get to enter an era where you learn to trust yourself enough to listen to the signs.
Give your energy to the people who value your time, people who respect you. As for anyone who’s betrayed you- keep your distance from those who deplete you of everything and then complain when you have nothing left to give.
On a side note- this isn’t to say you shouldn’t defend your honor. You absolutely should. Kindness isn’t passivity.
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FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT
You know the moments when you gain clarity on what you want, you feel a sense of purpose that makes you happy because you feel like you have something to look forward to? Let this be that moment.
Start focusing on what you want, not the things that didn’t work out. Get excited about the possibility of what your life can look and feel like. The more you do this, the less your old life is going to appeal to you, until there’s nothing left holding you back.
Don’t know what you want? Focus on how you want to feel. You know you don’t want to feel what you’re feeling now. Find things that inspire you and bring you happiness. Make it a point to create memories you’ll cherish. And it doesn’t have to be anything huge- it’s the small moments that we remember and hold in our hearts.
DON’T OVERLOOK
This isn’t about forgetting. There’s no way you can’t forget what happened to you. The trauma is too real of a reminder.
Don’t overlook it either. And there will be times when you think, “yeah, but they were right about that or I shouldn’t have done that.”
No one but you gets to decide for you what your boundaries should be.
So don’t let them pervert your reality anymore than they already have. And in the event they start groveling, it’s because they’re coming to the realization that their unconscionable actions aren’t inconsequential.
They’re not actually sorry for what they did. They’re remorseful for themselves because now they have to pay the consequences. Let karma work its magic on them so you can live your life the way you want to.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
