There were times in my journey I wanted to give up- give up on myself, give up on life. I was so ashamed of living and the pain of being alive, well, it isn’t something that can be articulated. All I can say is it consumes you.
I was the scapegoat in a dysfunctional home and when I got older, I gravitated towards relationships that reflected the familiarity of my childhood. I also took a deep dive into the inferno of self-destruction.
Through therapy, talking to people, and AA meetings, I couldn’t seem to find something that resonated. But I also wanted something deeper than resonance, I wanted to feel it viscerally because that would mean I was healed instead of the pain reminding me I was alive.
The problem was I didn’t know how to be vulnerable, especially with myself. I was taught at a young age that showing any emotion other than happiness wasn’t ladylike. So I either compartmentalized or suppressed my emotions and the trauma.
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It took a long time for me to realize the reason why things didn’t resonate with me. They weren’t meant to. But I didn’t understand that at the time so I tried desperately to grasp onto anything I could.
I was also struggling with suicide ideation, so living for myself wasn’t exactly something I knew how to do or even wanted to entertain. I did the next best thing I could think of- I held onto blind faith.
When I was 11, I had an intuitive insight. I felt and heard that at 42, I would start to come into myself. When I was 18, I had a vision. It confirmed what I felt and heard seven years earlier.
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Throughout the suicide ideation, gang stalking, being a scapegoat, abusive relationships, drowning my sorrows in alcohol, whenever things got rough- I came back to those visions. I could feel the happiness. I saw the smile on my face. And I would hold on to it for as long as my mind would allow.
The visions weren’t much. I mean, these were fragments of my life shown to me in a split second. But they were enough for me to keep holding on.
I won’t be 42 for another few months so I can’t yet confirm those intuitive glimpses. But I also know what I felt, saw, and heard will manifest into fruition. Because, well, I have faith. And I couldn’t imagine a life without it.
IF YOU’RE STRUGGLING…
If you’re currently struggling and don’t know how to get yourself out of the dark places, try the exercise below.
TRY THIS:
- Breathe deeply and slowly. Close your eyes and imagine how you want your life to look like. Is it early morning walks on the beach, lounging in bed, traveling somewhere on your bucket list, or something else?
- Try to imagine it in detail- what are you wearing? Where are you? Who are you with? What’s the weather like? What emotions are you feeling?
- Capture it as best as you can in your mind’s eye and heart.
Even if you don’t get an image, you will get a feeling. That feeling is just as powerful, if not more than seeing something in your mind’s eye, so don’t discount it.
Hold on to it and come back to it every time things get tough. You’ll be surprised that all you need is a glimmer of hope in the darkest of days.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous of.
