Something I’ve never spoken about were my experiences with gang stalking. Partly, because I blamed myself for it. And partly, because I was in a fog- I couldn’t articulate how I felt about what it had done to me.
I went through two rounds of it. The first time began about 13 years ago and lasted for about three years. The second round of gang stalking started a few years back and I’m just coming out of it.
In a sense, the second round was worse than the first because of the extent of what was done behind the scenes. But the first time- I felt like I was robbed of my innocence.
Maybe it was for the better because I was so naive back then. I genuinely thought all people were good and had pure hearts. Never in a million years did I think that there are people out there who deliberately destroy other people’s lives as a sport.
As for the second round- it really opened my eyes. It made me see things in a whole different lens. Whatever trust I had in the people I cared about, completely eroded. I’ll never look at them the same again.
There were two ringleaders both times- my father’s girlfriend and my mother. For right now, I’ll stick with what I went through the first time.
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My entire family turned their backs on me, I lost friends, family friends wouldn’t listen to me, I couldn’t hold a job, and my mother even got the legal system against me.
I had one psychotic breakdown after another, struggling with mental illnesses, and drowning my sorrows in alcohol. The people closest to me knew. But they either didn’t care or they were hoping it would be my fate.
I also had no idea how to regulate my emotions and was incapable of standing up for myself. So I sat back and took beating after beating.
When people say you find out who’s really with you when you’re down, I thought I would at the very least have one person. I had no one.
It wasn’t just losing everything and everyone- I felt like I was stripped of every ounce of my dignity. The times I broke down only provoked them to go harder or laugh in my face.
Knowing I was suicidal, my father’s girlfriend emailed me to tell me I should kill myself. And even when I showed people the evidence I had, no one had my back.
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They didn’t see the times I begged and pleaded with God to end my life because I couldn’t bring myself to do it after my suicide attempt. They didn’t see the wars I silently fought just to make it through another day. And they didn’t see the tears behind every smile, when I was trying to keep it together so I didn’t look as weak as I felt. They’ll never care enough to know.
The people that were turned against me- some of them didn’t even take the time to get to know me. They decided they knew everything there was to know about me based on what they heard. Family friends even smiled to my face while plotting behind my back. It’s such an act of cowardice and lacks integrity.
The worst part is that this was just a game for my mother and my father’s girlfriend- to see me break just so they could kick me when I was down on the ground. They found amusement in my suffering. And I know because of the way their eyes sparkled when they were dehumanizing me.
These are the type of people who usually win because if you’re lucky enough to come out of it, you don’t want to talk about it. You just want to forget it and find some semblance of normalcy.
I was also so scared of speaking up because I feared the people who came after me. So I pretended like it never happened.
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It’s different now. I won’t allow them to create smear campaigns, slander my name, assassinate my character, lie, and deny what they did to me without telling my side of the story. So here I am- sharing the bits and pieces of me I was once too ashamed and humiliated to talk about. As time passes, I’ll open up more.
I don’t wish anyone ill but I do pray for karmic justice. I can’t keep saying, “love and light,” it’s why I went through two rounds of gang stalking.
Yes, I appreciate the lessons I learned even though I foolishly repeated some of the same mistakes before I “got it.” There’s also a part of me that’s disgusted with the way some of these people acted. When someone goes out of their way to destroy your life and reputation, well, it’s very personal. But it’s also something I want to leave in the past- the people, the situations, the places.
If you’ve been through gang stalking or are currently going through it, my heart goes out to you. You never feel so alone until the people you need the most are the ones who turn their backs on you. But if you hang in there, and continue having faith, I promise that things will get better. So much better. Just keep believing.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
