During the summer, I found out something that instantly altered and shattered my landscape of reality as I know it. It’s not something I’m ready to talk about. But I will, one day.
Since then, I’ve been overcome with intense emotions- anger, resentment, hatred. It’s also something deeper. I don’t believe in living in the what-ifs because I feel life is so much more than what could have been. But, I also can’t help but to focus on the what-ifs.
My life could have turned out so differently had this thing not happened. It wasn’t just that I had to fight for what I wanted, I was intentionally deprived of any normalcy or healthy relationships.
I’ll say the thing we’re not supposed to say- all of my ex-boyfriends were low life pieces of sh!ts, and yes, a part of that is on me because I had absolutely no standards and was desperate for love. My relationship choices were confirmation that my life was designed to be as humiliating and degrading as possible.
And it wasn’t just romantic relationships. I strove to gain the respect of people who (yes, I’m saying another thing we’re not supposed to say), aren’t even worth respecting, let alone, knowing.
What happened wasn’t just an act of betrayal, it was the aftermath- diminishing my worth and making me feel like I had to be forever indebted for being born and grateful to a mother and stepfather for supposedly financially raising me, so that I would forever remain an extension of the people who smear campaigned my entire existence. I’ve been vilified my whole life because of lies told and believed about me. And they did all of this because it’s who they are and because they didn’t want me to find out.
I found out anyway because the truth always comes to light. What happened was an unconscionable action that no stroke of moral conscience can ever redeem, because it took conscious effort to dehumanize me.
With that revelation, my mind and my heart have been all over the place. I still have my quiet moments but then the pain comes to remind me that it’s there and it’s not going away anytime soon.
So I need a break. I need to come back to myself and let myself feel the things that are weighing heavy on me. I need to let my heart bleed. I need to cry the tears. And I need to let myself feel the anger and hatred so that I don’t get swallowed by it.
Both the website and my email will be up and running for a few more days. But, then they’ll both be down until the first week of December.
I won’t be new and improved, or even fully healed, but I’ll be in a better headspace, I think. I just need some time to myself, so I can begin building my life again from this new reality.
Because I won’t be speaking to you, have a Happy Thanksgiving!
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
