There’s a type of loneliness that comes with shame- the type where you hide the pain behind the smile in your eyes. Only you know that the spark is gone. The flame within was diminished so long ago that you can’t remember the last time you felt alive other than your pain reminding you you’re still breathing.
What lies beneath is shame, so much of it.
You wish you could be anyone but yourself because then you don’t have to wear the burden of being yourself. It’s not that you don’t want to heal, you do, but shame can be so paralyzing.
It sounds so simple but you can’t build a relationship with yourself if you hate or don’t trust yourself. So, take a step back and evaluate what your relationship with yourself looks like right now.
Do you:
Speak to yourself with kindness?
Respect yourself?
Have boundaries with yourself?
Show up like you love yourself?
Value other people’s opinions more than your own?
Take other people’s advice over your own?
Compromise your values to appease other people?
Diminish your worth to let others shine?
Honor yourself?
Validate your trauma?
If your responses didn’t have a positive reflection, that’s ok. We need to see where we’re at first before we can take the steps to get to where we want to go. It takes time but you’ll get there.
I know that’s probably not the thing you want to hear. But, we’ve gone all or most of our lives living in shame, that a little while longer to heal is only going to liberate us, not hurt us. So be patient and gentle with yourself.
Try this- even if it’s for just a moment, appreciate your journey, no matter how messy and chaotic it’s been. Appreciate how far you’ve come. Despite the odds, you made it. That is so much to be proud of. If you stop for a moment each day to honor yourself, it’s going to make a huge impact on how you look at yourself and eventually, how you show up for yourself.
LET YOURSELF CRY
Vulnerability scares us because we think it makes us weak. Maybe you were even ostracized at some point or your entire life for showing emotions. But when you can rip your heart open to yourself and look at your invisible scars, you’re going to realize that all you ever needed was love from yourself. Not anyone else.
You were always the one that needed to be kind to yourself, to nurture yourself, to save yourself. You are your own salvation. It was you that needed to find belonging within yourself, not in anyone else.
Besides, crying (emotional tears) releases oxytocin and endorphins. Kind of makes you look at it differently doesn’t it? So don’t be afraid of yourself and start embracing your own raw vulnerability.
REGULATE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM
We’ve been conditioned to seek refuge in everyone but ourselves. Now, we have to condition ourselves to seek solace within us.
We can’t heal if we don’t feel safe within ourselves. Try gentle and slow movements, hobbies that aren’t labor intensive, yoga, deep breathing, walking, anything that brings you peace and calm will help to bring balance.
Use this mantra- The safer I feel, the more I heal.
TALK TO YOURSELF
How many times have you tried to talk to people only for your words to fall upon deaf ears or get it thrown back in your face or made to feel like you were at fault? Probably too many to count.
There comes a point in our journey when we have to start listening to ourselves. THIS. IS. THAT. MOMENT. Have conversations with yourself. Validate your trauma, feelings, and emotions.
You’ll be surprised how many epiphanies you have during these talks. Be the support system you’ve always needed.
REWRITE YOUR STORY
We have two truths- the fallacious ones that keep us in toxic patterns and behaviors, or the empowering ones that help us to recognize our own power and potential.
So, create new truths- the truths you want to live and breathe by. The days where others narrated your story are long gone. This is your time to shine so make it count by writing a story that one day when you look back on your life, you’ll be in awe of the person you’ve become.
You know what the best part is? If you don’t like the way the story is being written, you can always change it.
Remember this- you can’t fail if you don’t give up. You got this. You’re slaying this journey of what we call life.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
