When I reflect on my life, I can’t help but to think of a line from Truckin’ by the Dead, “What a long strange trip it’s been.”
It’s been bittersweet and surreal. I’ve had some really amazing experiences. I’ve also been plagued with psychological warfare the majority of my life.
All of the detours I took, in its twists and turns, led to my sobriety and healing. In the past 7.5 years (at the time of publishing this post), I’ve unpacked a lifetime of trauma, worked through mental illnesses, got and stayed sober on my own.
I did this without a support system– no AA, rehab, detox, therapy, friends or family. The following is how I did it.
I STOPPED GASLIGHTING MYSELF WITH TOXIC POSITIVITY
This was the hardest to overcome. It had become such a part of my story that it was me. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I learned how to be objective.
The words I used to speak- “They were right, it was my fault why they did that and I’m being too sensitive. It really wasn’t that bad- I didn’t end up in the hospital and I’m still alive. It could have been so much worse. So, I’m just going to focus on becoming a better person, forgive them, and let it go.”
Unfortunately, that doesn’t work when you’re in a toxic relationship or trying to heal from one. It only exacerbates the trauma bond and creates more trauma for ourselves.
So I changed the relationship I have with myself and began validating my experiences and emotions. When we do that, we don’t feel the need to over explain ourselves or worse, being “emotionally slutty” because we’re so desperate for someone to hear our side.
FOCUSED ON MY MIND, BODY, SOUL CONNECTION
Spirituality has always been a part of me. So I knew sobriety wasn’t just about not drinking. It was about reconnecting with the lost parts of myself, shedding layers of who I thought I was, while aligning with my soul’s purpose.
And no, I didn’t always handle it with grace. I’ve stumbled countless times, barely picking myself up after each fall. I also feared really loving myself because that meant I would have to embrace everything I didn’t like about me. But, somewhere along the way, we learn that our shadows are a part of what makes us whole. Without them, we’d be missing the parts that help us to shine.
STOPPED PROVING MYSELF
Trying to prove our value and worth to people who are committed to misunderstanding us is a lost cause. We know that, even though we don’t fully grasp it or want to admit it to ourselves. But when we do, something shifts in us that can never go back to the way things were.
When people insisted they knew me better than I knew myself, I went deeper into self-awareness. When people tried to diminish my self-worth, I decided I wasn’t just going to accept who I am, I was going to love every part of me- the good, the bad, the ugly. And when no one believed in me, I decided I was going to be the one to believe in myself.
I don’t believe in the sentiment of “if you don’t do it, no one else will.” I used to, but not anymore. Because I like to think that with 7.7 billion people on the planet, there is someone out there who will love the things about us we perceive as flaws. But, I also believe it’s on us to heal our wounds and insecurities for ourselves. Don’t do it because if you don’t, no one else will. Do it because you’re worth your own investment.
I SET STANDARDS
I had absolutely no idea what standards were. I thought it meant being a self-sacrificing doormat and somehow, miraculously, people would see my worth. That never seems to work though. And it took so many painful lessons for me to understand it.
So I changed the way I show up for myself. It starts with us. We can’t set standards with others (at least, not effectively) until we set them with ourselves.
I FORGAVE MYSELF
I defiled myself because I thought tough love was what I needed. And while we do need to be matter of fact with ourselves at times, we can’t defile ourselves into loving ourselves. The only thing we’ll get out of it is lower self-esteem and even more self-sabotaging behaviors.
So I started forgiving myself for the times I acted out in ways I wouldn’t do again, for abandoning myself when I needed me most, and for treating myself like I wasn’t worthy of anything more than scraps unless I proved myself worthy of it.
DECIDED WHO I WANTED TO BE
I always dreamed about the upgraded version of myself, thinking, “one day, I’ll be her.” Then I realized one day is today. So, I started rewriting my inner truths and embodying who I wanted to be. I also have to note that I still am and always will be.
This is about making a lifelong commitment to becoming a higher version of ourselves. With that, we’ll be constantly fluctuating and evolving, ending chapters, beginning new stories, and making edits along the way. We just need to keep it as lighthearted and fun as possible so we don’t get stressed when we’re not seeing the results we want to see.
STARTED TRUSTING THE DIVINE
I’ve always believed in a higher power. But, I’ve kept this belief to myself for most of my life.
I couldn’t talk about it with my parents without being ostracized. Then by the time I got older, I was too ashamed to be forthcoming about it. So, I repressed my own beliefs and trust in the unseen. There were other reasons why I had trust issues, which I’ll get into another time.
When I slowly surrendered my need for control to the unseen, my life began to unfold in this beautifully graceful and effortless way. It was in such a way that can only be explained as the Universe/God had their hands in it. And yes, there’s days I struggle with needing to control and worry about things that really don’t need worrying about, but it’s about catching ourselves in those outdated thoughts and knowing that we’re being guided every step of the way.
FOUND MY WAY HOME
When we’re raised to be an extension of someone else, we have no idea what sovereignty is. So we look outside of ourselves- to define our worth, for validation, for love, to be saved.
Until we figure out that everything we’ve been indoctrinated to believe is a lie, we’ll keep repeating the same patterns. But as you slowly peel away the veil of illusion, you meet the parts of yourself you’ve been hiding from the world. And when you keep following that road, you return home to yourself.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
