Redefine What Self-Care Means To You In Sobriety And/Or After Trauma

For most of my life, I had a butchered definition of what self-care meant. I legitimately thought it was about massages, manis and pedis, baths, etc. 

When I look back on it, I see how these were masks to hide what I was feeling. The more layers I wore, the more comfortable I became in the illusion I was living. Until it came crashing down. 

Getting sober about eight years ago and confronting the unhealed wounds made me realize they were pretenses. So I changed (almost) everything I thought I was. I can’t begin to stress enough that this wasn’t overnight. It took time. Lots of it. I had to learn to be patient (when I’m an impatient control freak), and figure out how to show up for myself in a way that worked for me. 

Now I’m going to share with you what I did in hopes that it’ll help you. If you haven’t already, grab a cup of coffee or tea, get comfy, and let’s redefine what self-care means to you. 

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SELF-CARE AND PAMPERING

I’m all for baths and manis and pedis, but it’s the kind of self-care that’s more pampering than actually caring for ourselves. 

Sure, we need to decompress and it’s nice to have someone else doing our nails instead of doing it ourselves. And we absolutely should indulge in them if that’s what we like and enjoy. But it’s superficial. Not in a bad way, it’s just surface level. 

What’s going on beneath? 

What’s going on in your mind? Your thoughts- what are the things you don’t dare tell another soul, maybe not even to yourself? Are you enjoying your own company when you’re doing the things you enjoy? Are you fully present in the here and now?

When you’re taking a bath, are you worrying about what you have to do when you get out, wondering if your hair is getting frizzy, or timing it so you can get into bed and start watching your favorite show? 

When you’re getting your nails done, are you really relaxing or are you thinking about what a coworker said to you, silently planning outfits to match your mani, or fretting over if you’re going to ruin your freshly painted nails? 

If you’re not really present, that’s ok. It’s happened to all of us. Probably too often. 

But it doesn’t really make those moments meaningful because we weren’t really there. We also don’t really learn who we are in those moments. So why not redefine the way you engage in self-care? 

If that’s how you like it, by all means, do what makes you happy. But if you want something more, something sustaining, take a look at how you care for yourself, not how you pamper yourself. 

Ask yourself these questions:

Are you gentle with the words you speak to yourself?

Are you holding your past over your own head? 

Have you forgiven yourself for your past mistakes?

Are you comparing yourself to past versions of you?

Do you berate yourself for not knowing something? 

Is shame or self-love your motivation for doing something?

Are you fully present?

Are you treating each moment as a meditation? 

How do you view yourself?

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You may have the answers to some of these questions and some you may be stuck on. Whatever it is, that’s ok. Accept your answers. 

We make things so much harder on ourselves when we rationalize or ignore or “yeah, but…” It’s ok. Only you know your answers. When you accept, you heal a little more. 

Also, it’s going to take time to sort through these things. But the silver lining is that now you’re aware of what needs to be addressed. 

If you’re already aware of your habits and are still engaging in them, be compassionate with yourself. This is your brain and body’s way of keeping you safe. Focus on regulating your nervous system so you can find safety within yourself. The safer you feel, the less you’ll engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. You can also read this post for some ways to reconnect with yourself. 

What does self-care mean to you?

Is it about being disciplined? Being vulnerable? Standing firmly rooted in your convictions even though everyone around you has different beliefs/opinions? Being kind to yourself? Speaking to yourself like you’re a person with feelings and emotions? Is it about having gratitude even when you feel like your world is caving in on you? Is it about continuing to show up for yourself even when being yourself is the last thing you want? 

Put thought into this. It’s how you begin to learn who you are, what your expectations are, what you want out of life, from yourself, from others. This heals you. 

Give yourself flexibility. There are going to be days when your patience is wearing thin, when you want to retreat from the world, when you need a break from life. All of that is ok. It doesn’t mean you’re not handling it with grace. It means that you’re human and are exhausted and need some alone time to gather your wits. 

BEGIN NOW

It doesn’t have to be anything major. Something small will have just as big of an impact. It’s like when a random stranger smiles at you or someone pays you a compliment- those small tokens have such a profound impact on your day. So, think small on this one. 

If being kinder to yourself is on your list, can you tell yourself, “I love you?” If you want to be more vulnerable with yourself, can you admit something out loud to yourself? Can you give yourself a compliment? 

If you can’t, I know. I’ve been there too. Sometimes we think we need to give ourselves tough love which translates to us denying ourselves of anything good. But then we rob ourselves of what we need the most. We need ourselves. Just keep working through it and you’ll find yourself on the other side. That much I can promise you. 

One change I can make right now…

Make a vow to yourself to become a better improved version of yourself. Work towards becoming that person. Even if you only take one deep conscious breath, it’s a step in the right direction. 

If you forget or don’t have it in you on some days, that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of honoring your word. It just means that you’re caring for yourself in a way you know how. You just can’t give up on yourself. Don’t even allow that to be an option. 

I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.