When I look back on my life, guilt and shame were what defined me and how I lived. Even when I got sober and started focusing on enjoying myself, guilt was the underlying theme.
I felt guilty for letting drinking get in the way of living life in the past and also felt a need to be self-sacrificing to the ones who witnessed my drunkenness. So I kept bending over backwards, only to resent myself even more.
No matter how much we try, we can’t guilt ourselves into new routines, eating habits, fitness goals, new lifestyles, etc. We’ve all tried, probably several times. It never works.
When guilt is a part of who we are, we don’t even notice it. It’s not until we look within that we see the same patterns playing out in different people and situations.
Once we develop the awareness, we can change how we think and start showing up differently. Just in case you’re skeptical, yes, it’s going to be different now. Because you’re different now. Be proud of yourself.
Take a minute or so to ask yourself the questions below. This will help to see your relationship with guilt.
Questions to ask yourself:
• Can you buy something for yourself without guilt?
• Eat dessert without guilt?
• Have a quiet moment to yourself without guilt?
• Let a call go to voice-mail without guilt?
• Can you allow someone to do something for you without you looking for a way to repay the favor ten fold?
• Do you guilt yourself into new routines because you feel like you should or because everyone else is doing it? Even if you don’t like it, do you still do it because you feel guilty for not doing it?
If the majority of your responses were guilt based, then you may want to explore the wounds surrounding why. Don’t worry if all of them were. There was a point in my life where all my responses were based on guilt, then I would have even more guilt for feeling so guilty.
This is an exercise to learn about our unhealed wounds so we can become the version of ourselves that we would be proud of. Be gentle with yourself because you’re just as deserving of your own compassion as anyone else.
Then take some time to reflect on the following questions to explore the way you think surrounding guilt and how you can begin to release it.
Please remember- you don’t need to atone for being who you are. So if that’s the reason why you can’t enjoy yourself, ask yourself why you feel like you need to redeem your own existence.
REFLECT ON THESE:
Do you feel guilt is holding you back from having a different life?
How would you live if you had no guilt? We’re not talking about healthy guilt- when we feel remorse for doing something wrong. This is about toxic guilt- the kind where we feel we burden others with our existence.
If you could have anything you want without feeling any guilt, what would it be? It can be as many things as you want. Don’t hold back.
Can you forgive yourself for all the times you didn’t know better or maybe you did know better, but still didn’t choose the high ground?
Can you, even if it’s only for a moment, release guilt (of not being good enough, not doing more, not exceeding your own expectations even though they may be unreasonable)?
TRY THIS:
Do one nice thing for yourself today that you rarely do. It can be anything- buying yourself flowers because you really do deserve them, treating yourself to your favorite dessert, taking a bath. If any feelings of guilt come up, ask yourself why. Then sit with it until it leaves. It will leave, but don’t ignore it. It just wants you to acknowledge it. The more you practice doing things without guilt, the more comfortable and safe your body is going to be, until guilt doesn’t define your life.
I’ll see you soon…in the meantime, love yourself so much that even a Hallmark Christmas movie would be jealous.
