I’ve spoken about my journey with alcoholism and how I attained sobriety it in bits and pieces, not divulging too much. That stems from a fear of vulnerability. I don’t want anyone to see what used to be my life. But I know someone needs to read this so here it goes.
If you’re struggling and need a few words to act as an impetus to aid you towards your journey of surviving yourself, this may help. After all, its through others pain that inspire us to push forward.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been raped. Not because blackouts were the norm for my entire adult life, but because I lost count. What I can tell you is that I dated two of my rapists.
Because I hated myself.
I hated my life.
I hated living. And through some sick and twisted perversion, I thought that I could attain love from others- even if it meant dating those who sexually assaulted me.
What I can also tell you is that I’ve been arrested three times. Once was by my mom because she thought that I needed to learn a lesson that only jail time could teach me.
I’ve attempted suicide on a few occasions, been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, put on suicide watch (the irony of this is those weren’t the times I attempted suicide), court mandated to rehabs, had family and ex-lovers intervene in my calamitous behaviors- all to no avail.
I’ve lost jobs, humiliated the f*ck out of myself, and lost relationships with those that I cared so deeply for. But nothing mattered enough for me to quit drinking. What I loved more than anything was to get drunk- so that I could feel nothing and yet feel everything.
Through all of the ordeals, I attempted to quit drinking and tried to limit it to an “acceptable” amount only for it to get worse as time passed. The more I tried to find a reason for getting sober, the more I fell into the abyss of my own darkness. The more I kept saying that I finally hit rock bottom, the deeper the grave I was digging for myself.
I didn’t see a point in living.
I didn’t care about living. The pain of living was insufferable. Finding joy had became obsolete. It was a lost cause.
I wasn’t worthy of happiness. Love was too good for me so. I didn’t deserve living a life that I wanted. At least that was what I had kept telling myself my entire adult life because that’s the way I was treated as a child.
My biological father was an abusive alcoholic who’s version of fun used to be throwing me against walls while he was in an alcohol induced fit of rage. When him and my mom got divorced, things didn’t magically get better. They got worse. My childhood existence was me never being good enough, my English never being good enough (I spoke 5 languages as a child and English isn’t my mother tongue), I needed to try harder and push harder. I needed to be perfect. I had absolutely no concept that perfection was unattainable so kept striving for it only to be consistently led to disappointment.
Psychologically, the damage had been done. I was broken and damaged.
My journey with alcoholism
But, no one knew. No one could ever know. I needed to build a fortress around myself so that I could be in self-preservation mode.
So, alcohol came into my life. I felt confident, sexy, alluring, and witty. Well- until I didn’t. It also gave me the moxie I needed to speak up for myself, stand up for myself, and defend my own integrity. Alcohol provided me with the solace and sanctuary I needed from my past and from my own mind. It gave me the comfort of pain.
That’s where I went wrong- the detour that I took. I didn’t take the time to sort out my limiting beliefs and negative self-talk. Or even work out the kinks of my own mind. I relied on a substance to be my guiding force through life.
I tried therapy for many years to overcome my psychological struggles with no success. It was always the same questions and statements.
“You must be in so much pain.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Why don’t you try taking this medication?”
After singing the same old song and dancing the same old dance, I got exasperated and gave up on therapy succumbing to the notion that I was perpetually fucked by life.
Things changed about three and a half years ago when the man who I thought was the love of my life shattered my heart in a thousand pieces. That breakup changed me on a cellular level. It was so brutally painful that a part of me died with the breakup. Low and behold, it was the part of me that needed to die.
How I attained sobriety
The heartbreak forced me to see just how pervasive toxicity was in my life; how toxic I was. But, it also took me to my destiny.
Soon after the breakup, I realized that my path to salvation wasn’t through others, but that I needed to be my own guiding light. It was an epiphany- I needed to cultivate a loving relationship with myself because the longest relationship that I was going to have with anyone in my entire life was myself. So, it was about damn time that I started to learn how to enjoy my own company.
Before I could attempt to quit drinking successfully, I needed to find my own heart centered motivation and be my own reason for quitting. Everything else naturally fell into place when the time was right. And it can for you too.
It took another few weeks before I actually mustered up the courage and strength to quit. At which point, I relied solely on divine faith and used the Law of Attraction. But, I did it. It wasn’t easy but it was only as difficult as I made it.
There it is…my journey with alcoholism and how I attained sobriety. We all have different journeys so take the words that resonate with you as inspiration in your own recovery.
If you’re struggling to get sober, you can find it within yourself. If you’ve been dealt a shitty hand, take charge. Be the dealer. Give yourself a new hand.
Dig deep into your heart to find your love- the love that you’re so worthy and deserving of to get out of your own living hell. Be your own true love.
Be your own magician. Create heaven on earth for yourself and those around you.
Life is magical but you have to believe in magic. You can read about bringing more magic into your life here.
See ya soon.
In the meantime, stay zenspired!
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